Had a very strange evening a few days ago. Haven’t spoken about it to anyone, and am not going to blog it for the sensitivity of it. But need an outlet, so will attempt to relay this evening without using the 6 essential elements to any story: Why, What, How, Who, When, Where.
[this is going to be interesting]
How many times have you done something you didn’t want to do, with someone you never would do in your conscious mind, at an hour you would rarely be up and exposed on the street. How many times have you allowed your vulnerability and trust get the better of you. How many times have you woken up with a nightmare of what happened feeling disgusted and nauseous. One minute you tell yourself – ‘What were you thinking!’ and the next you brush the thoughts aside and pretend it’s no big deal, people do worse things, and blame it on being human and alcohol.
What you did is not dangerous or abusive; nor is it out-of-the-blue fucked-up. You are not sure how you are missing a few items, but they are replaceable. You are fine, people involved are fine, people not involved are fine. Had it happened 10-years ago, I would have laughed it off. But at my age, it just goes against everything you think you stand for. Adjectives such as responsible, respectable, dignity and self control explode in your face. You are stoic, slightly bitter, and want to erase every millisecond of that day. You question what on earth is going on with yourself.
No I didn’t hurt anyone. No I wasn’t hurt. No I didn’t take drugs. It was a stupid, stupid day of which I hope nothing will repeat ever. Perhaps my feelings are just exaggerated because I have had time to let them fester. Guess there are better things to worry about.
I feel better now. I think.